1. If Your Grandma got into your bag of Doritos you would...
   a. Accuse her of bogarting the Doritos and punch her in her saggy boob
   b. Sensually lick every molecule leftover from her fingers
   c. Call her a trifling whore and send her back to the senior home
   d. Feel bad for her because she’s old
   
2. If your dog got into your bag of Doritos you would...
   a. euthanize it
   a. force your dog to vomit and eat the regurgitated Doritos
   c. become insanely jealous and steal his bones
   d. clean up the mess and go about your business
   
3. If your neighbor knocked on your door and asked for a cup of Doritos you would
   a. shit on his lawn
   b. give him a cup of granola
   c. ask him if you could borrow is wife as a fair trade
   d. smile and gladly give him a heaping cup
   
4. If someone grabs the last bag of Doritos at the store you
   a. Tip their cart over and bludgeon them with their own purse/man bag
   b. Sternly ask them to place the Doritos back on the shelf
   c. Say "Oh shucks," and settle for potatoe chips instead, taking with you a bottled up feeling of defeat and inner turmoil that will ultimately cripple each of your future relationships and a feeling of self doubt that will be projected onto your children
   d. eat pretzels
   

Next

1. What is your Social Security Number?
   
   
2. What is your Address?
   
   
3. Do you lock your doors at night?
   Yes
   No
   
4. Please enter your credit card number to advance to the next question
   
   

Next

1. Have you been a victim of fraud
   a. yes, and I sued the shit out of them
   b. yes, and it was horrible
   c. yes, but it wasn’t that big of a deal
   d. No
   
2. Which email subject most intrigues you?
   a. MegaDik—give her the girth she dreams of!!!
   b. Oregon Coast’s sea otters need your help!
   c. Congratulations! You’ve won the Lotto!
   d. Boost your pheromones today and let nature work it’s magic!
   
3. How many self help books do you have on your book shelf?
   a. 0
   b. 1 or 2
   c. 10
   d. Too many to count
   
4. Was your father there when you were a child?
   a. Yes, and he was a loving and caring father who read me bedtime stories every night
   b. Yes, but he was violently drunk at all times and he never came to my baseball games
   c. No, but I’ve moved on and filled the void with a new sexual partner every two weeks
   d. Fuck that guy
   
5. When you break up with someone, it’s usually because
   a. You just don’t listen
   b. You had thirteen other relationships going on at the same time and they conflicted
   c. You let your body go
   d. Because you’re too good for them and you end things when you damn well feel like it
   

Next

1. When you eat Doritos do you
   a. vomit in your mouth?
   b. smile to yourself?
   c. jump with joy?
   d. get a prickly feeling in your pants?
   
2. You sleep with at bag of Dorios under the covers
   a. True
   b. False
   
3. You eat Doritos because
   a. Your parents ate them and their parents ate them
   b. You got the munchies
   c. you’re out of potato chips and pretzels
   d. none of the above, you’d rather starve to death
   
4. On your ideal date you would
   a. Take a walk on the beach
   b. go to a movie
   c. fill an entire swimming pool with crushed Doritos and go skinny dipping
   d. Got to a petting zoo…and do much more than pet
   

Next

1. If you had a third arm you would
   a. Become the worlds greatest UFC fighter
   b. Breed animals better
   c. Run marathons on your hands
   Drive down the freeway using your third arm to steer while terrifying fellow commuters by flailing your two free arms out the window screaming, "I don’t know how to work this thing!"
   
2. If you were an animorph your animal alter-ego would be a
   a. ferret
   b. cheetah
   c. Jeff Goldblum
   d. mouse